


All Ears

by marmolita



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: F/M, Missing Scene, Past Drug Addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 08:25:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2461475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marmolita/pseuds/marmolita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Missing scene between Storm Front Part II and Home: T'Pol finally tells Trip why she's been so emotional lately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Ears

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: includes discussion of dubious consent (under the influence) during previous sexual relations.

She comes to his quarters late the night they reach Earth -- the right century's Earth. T'Pol doesn't know how long they have before the debriefing is complete and everyone goes their separate ways; it's only logical that she speak with Trip before then.

He's still awake, poring over a schematic of the engine on his console, despite the fact that they've barely slept in days. "I was just trying to finish up my recommendations for refitting the engine. If this works we'll be able to cruise at warp 5.2 for as long as you please." She's tempted to engage with him on the technical specifications -- it's the comfortable place they fall into, the place where they work well together, where they can focus enough to not allow any of their _feelings_ to interfere.

That's not why she came here tonight.

"I owe you an explanation," she says.

Trip looks up at her quizzically. "For what?"

T'Pol paces the room, telling herself she's not doing it because she's afraid to reply. Vulcans don't experience fear. "For my recent . . . erratic behavior." He turns his chair away from the console and gives her his full attention. It doesn't make her any more comfortable. "Several months ago I became addicted to trellium-D."

He blinks at her, brows drawing together in confusion. "Addicted? To-- What?"

She avoids looking him in the eye as she explains, "I began ingesting small quantities, then developed a method to inject it directly into my bloodstream." In less than a second confusion turns to understanding and then to shock, and it's a sign of how long she's been among humans that T'Pol can follow all of that in his expression.

"You _what_?" He leans toward her, opening his mouth to say something else.

"Please, allow me to finish," she interrupts and he sits back again. "I am fully aware of the dangers of trellium exposure. I initially thought that in small quantities it would be safe. It allowed me to feel emotions in a way that was not, at first, overwhelming. I was able to interact more easily with the crew, which helped solidify my position and improve crew morale. I didn't realize I had become addicted until the incident at Azati Prime."

Now, she does look him in the eye. "I believe many of my recent . . . emotional outbursts are due to withdrawal symptoms. Doctor Phlox has provided me with treatment, but I may never be able to fully suppress my emotions again."

There is a long silence. Trip opens his mouth to say something, then closes it. He opens it again, and closes it again. He gestures her to a chair and she sits down. Finally, he says, "When did this start?"

"Shortly after recovering from my exposure on the _Seleya_."

He presses his lips together, an expression T'Pol has come to associate with anger. It's unclear to her exactly why the timing of her addiction should make him angry, but then so many things about Trip are unclear to her that she tries not to focus on them too much. "And these emotions that you have. Are they like on the _Seleya_? Delusions brought on by the trellium?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Look, when you got exposed that time, you said things, did things, that you would never have meant to say or do. So are the emotions you felt after taking trellium the same emotions you would have had anyway, or are they things you only felt because of the trellium?"

T'Pol believes from his body language that this is not the question Trip is really trying to ask, but she doesn't know what his real question is. "Vulcans do not normally _feel_ our emotions. We have them, we are aware of them, but we do not feel them. The trellium allowed me to feel my emotions without becoming overwhelmed. I do not know whether or not it enhanced my emotions to something beyond what they were originally."

He sighs. "If you'd never taken the trellium, would you still have slept with me?" It takes a moment for her to parse that he is referring to their sexual relationship rather than actual sleep. She still feels like this is not his real question, but it seems to be a lot closer to it. Still, his concern with details of the past is foreign to her.

"I don't understand what difference it makes." It's the wrong answer, apparently, because Trip is angry again.

"If you don't understand why I'd want to know whether you actually wanted to have sex with me or not I'm not sure I can explain it to you," he says, voice tight.

"I initiated the contact, I believe it was clear that I wanted to--"

"Did you only want to because you were taking trellium? Would you have done it if you weren't?"

T'Pol hesitates, trying to determine how to reply. There are thin lines between the truth, what he wants to hear, and what she is actually willing to admit. He reads something into her hesitation, she's not sure what, and stands up. "Look, it's late," he says, "and I've got a debriefing at 0800." She stands as well, and hopes that her disappointment with how this conversation has gone isn't reflected in her face.

Trip must see something in her expression though because his face softens and for a moment she feels relief that his regard for her isn't entirely diminished by her revelation. "Back in the Expanse, I told you that when this was all over I'd be here to listen. I appreciate you telling me this; I know it must have been hard for you. I just need some time to think, okay?"

"Of course," she replies. "Goodnight, Commander."

T'Pol feels his gaze on her as she leaves, until the door slides closed between them.

***

The next few days are a blur of debriefings and reports during working hours, and official celebrations during off hours. T'Pol avoids the celebratory gatherings when she can, but attends those that the Captain insists on. The debriefings are one-on-one, so T'Pol only sees Trip in passing and at the official dinners. He's cordial and polite as usual, but he doesn't seek her out for conversation, and when he does speak to her it's only because she is with the Captain.

She finds she's become accustomed to his presence, and she feels his absence in an emotion she hasn't yet learned to name.

Captain Archer insists she attend Trip's gathering for the engineering team at the 602 Club. It's the most awkward of the celebrations, not only because she feels perhaps he will not want her there, but because it involves considerably more alcohol. She has grown somewhat comfortable with humans in their everyday social patterns, but she still finds them distasteful when inebriated. Still, she finds it oddly comforting when Trip smiles at her and teases her for drinking only water. She doesn't even mind the strong smell of alcohol on his breath when he looks at her with surprisingly warm eyes and says he's glad she could make it.

Strange, how a single glance and a few words can trigger a riot of emotions. T'Pol knows she only feels a fraction of the emotions that humans do; she can't even comprehend how they are able to function.

***

It's two days later when Trip comes to her quarters. He's still in his uniform, but she's already changed into her night clothes. She invites him in anyway. He stays near the door while she kneels back down by her meditation candle, smoothing the cushions.

"I talked to Doctor Phlox," he says. "He told me a little more about the effect the trellium's had on your neural pathways. I didn't understand all of it but I think I got the general idea." He fidgets, then clasps his hands and leans against the wall. The posture is oddly familiar; it takes a few moments but she finally realizes he's standing in the same place, in the same position, as Sim had when he'd confessed his feelings for her. "I just have one question. _Why_?" Despite his diffident posture, Trip is looking straight in her eyes; the intensity of his gaze is a little disconcerting.

"As I said previously, I wanted to experience emotions."

"That doesn't answer the question. Why did you want to experience emotions? Which emotions? Because I'm sure it wasn't the ones that you felt when you were on the _Seleya_."

This is, as humans would say, the moment of truth. It's a question she's asked herself many times, every time she took trellium, every time she was alone with Trip after their sexual encounter and she couldn't avoid the twisting ache in her gut. Why would she want to open herself up to pain? To anxiety? To fear?

"I wanted to better understand the crewmembers, and experience friendship the way humans do," she finally replies. Trip appears confused.

"Vulcans have friends, don't they? I mean, I thought we were your friends, me and the Captain and Hoshi at least. You'd risk your health for a more emotional friendship?"

T'Pol looks down at her hands. She is aware that she has a tendency to damage her friendship with Trip by avoiding uncomfortable truths but that doesn't make it any easier to break the habit. She's always admired the way Trip is so honest in everything he does, because it's something she has never been able to manage. "There is more."

He kneels down on the cushion across from her. "I'm waiting," he says.

"I enjoyed being with you." She glances at him out of the corner of her eye and is somewhat gratified to see his surprised expression. "I found myself looking forward to our neuropressure sessions, and to working with you. When we were together, I--" She clears her throat. "It was a pleasant sensation. I took the trellium in order to experience those feelings more fully."

T'Pol looks back at Trip and is surprised to find him grinning. "So you _were_ attracted to me, before the trellium."

It's a pattern she's fallen into for so long that she's actually opened her mouth to deny it before she manages to stop herself, consider the logic in honesty, and answer, "Yes."

"Then why did you tell me it was just an experiment in human sexuality? What were you afraid of?" She's about to reply when he adds, "And don't tell me Vulcans don't experience fear."

"I did not intend to act on my feelings. A relationship would be against Starfleet policy, and it is illogical to think that a romance could be sustained between a human and a Vulcan. I thought if you believed it was only an experiment that we would be able to return to the way things had been before. Clearly I was mistaken."

"You were the one who avoided me afterward, don't go blaming that one on me."

"I am not 'blaming that one on you.' When I was around you I found myself unable to avoid thinking about what had happened between us." She doesn't say that she was afraid she wouldn't be able to stop herself from having sex with him again, but she's fairly certain he knows that's what she means.

Trip has been edging closer to her, and now he puts his hand on the low table and leans toward her. "T'Pol, I don't know what this thing is between us or how far it can go, but I'd like to find out." He's close enough now that even with the nasal numbing agent she can smell him -- it's not an unpleasant odor anymore, but one she's become accustomed to. It's familiar and almost comforting. The candlelight reflects in his eyes, bright and warm, and the crinkles at the corners of his mouth stir something deep inside of her.

"Agreed," she says, and kisses him. He brings his hand up to the side of her face and angles his head slightly, drawing her in deeper. _This_ is why she took the trellium, this feeling that's rising up inside of her, warm and tingling and spreading throughout her body from the places where he's touching her. She doesn't want to put a name to the emotion, but it's one she wants to feel as much as possible.

"No more drugs this time," he says when he pulls back from the kiss, "and we'll figure out what to do about Starfleet later."

"Later," she confirms, leaning in to kiss him again. After all, they'll have a few weeks before Enterprise is ready to ship out again. Perhaps they can spend some of their leave time together. Perhaps she'll even take him with her to Vulcan.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [destronomics](http://archiveofourown.org/users/destronomics) and [poehlersehlat](http://archiveofourown.org/users/poehlersehlat) for beta!


End file.
